baby loss isn’t talked about much.

i experienced this first hand. for each one of us who has lost a child, mine was a stillbirth at twenty weeks. i wrote my story because I am finally ready to share it. it took me a long time to be able to talk about losing my baby. i felt that no one wanted to hear about infant loss, especially my own.  all my friends were having babies at the same time and it was painful for all of us.  journaling about my loss and sharing with a group of friends helped to bring about my healing and now i am ready to help others through their time of infant loss.

i am lighting two candles for my baby losses. i am happy to listen to your baby loss story. it helps to talk about it. i finally did.

on my first visit to the doctor, i was seven weeks pregnant with my second child. he gently shared with me that something didn’t look quite right with the baby, that it seemed small right from the beginning.  at his request, i came in each week to check on things and the progress was always the same news:  the baby seems very small for his age.

at seventeen weeks into the pregnancy, the baby’s heart slowed down and he was barely growing in size.  the doctor shared with me again that something was wrong with the baby, but he didn’t know for sure what it might be. i felt like he knew the future for this baby and he was aware that i was not ready to hear it.  at that moment we waited.

i was certain at my young age of 27 that i could not care for a child with problems, with something wrong. i had no skills that i recognized to care for a sick child. i did not know anyone with a handicapped child.  helpless is how i felt, i did not in any way feel prepared. deep down inside my soul, i did not want this baby if something was wrong with it.  those feelings of fear and inadequacy grew inside me. i hated being this honest but i was really scared; this task ahead felt too great.  it was awful as a mother to feel this way about her child, but these were my feelings. i prayed to God to take the baby if it wasn’t going to be healthy.  at the time, i meant it.

baby loss.

well, the worst happened.  at the end of week twenty, the baby died. i had a scheduled d&c for the next day, but i started having cramps and heavy bleeding in the night, so my husband took me to the emergency room. i had the d&c procedure while he waited in the waiting area.  it was such a lonely and frightening feeling to experience birth like that.  a masked and gloved doctor with a nurse present had to assist the baby’s difficult birth and help deliver all of the placenta. his hands and some equipment went deep inside me to remove what was causing the bleeding. i didn’t like hospitals then and i still don’t, so i chose not to take any pain medication during this procedure so i could go home in two hours instead of six. the pain of the loss and experiencing birth traumatically is still burned in my memory years later. i never got to hold my baby. i blamed myself for many, many years and carried this burden alone.  my thoughts of not wanting a sick child, or a disabled child, or a deformed child haunted me, wondering if my thoughts had caused this baby to die. i felt responsible for this baby’s short life.  hiding those feelings, i went right on living my life as if nothing had happened, stuffing all those thoughts and feelings of guilt and grief deep down inside.

the doctor encouraged me to wait three months before trying to have another baby, but i was pregnant the following month.  i rejoiced in this new life beginning inside me and began preparing for this baby’s arrival, while I continued to bury the feelings of guilt and grief deep inside.

i  forgave myself, if indeed, my thoughts had any part to play in this baby’s short life.  often when meeting new friends and they asked about my kids, i hardly knew what to say. i rarely, if ever, talked about this loss. every now and then, i would share with someone who was experiencing a similar loss in hopes of offering them comfort in some small way; to know that she wasn’t alone and that i too had suffered the loss of a baby.

finally, i realized that to move on in my life, i had to seek help. i began by sharing with a group of my closest friends and they surrounded me with love and acceptance.  saying those thoughts and feelings out loud in a loving environment felt safe but awful at the same time.  it was a relief to speak what i had been holding inside for so long, but this group of friends was also pregnant with babies or nursing babies. it was hard to see them holding their babies when i didn’t have a baby to hold. i stopped sharing my story.

today that changes i want to talk about it in case it can help someone else struggling with feelings of guilt or grief from the loss of a child. here goes. my baby’s name was benjamin david swift. i carried him for twenty full weeks and then no more. i have forgiven myself for my thoughts about him, but some days, i have to remind myself over and over again that my thoughts did not cause his life to end early.  sometimes in life, there are no firm answers as to why something happens. i believe that God knew what i could handle and He forgave all my wrong thinking and holds me close when i cry, missing the baby i could not hold in my arms.

learn from my mistakes and do the work to heal quicker than i did!

things i did wrong:

• i carried the burden alone. 

• i felt responsible for this child’s death. 

• i did not talk about it with anyone.

things i did right:

• after years of struggling with guilt, i finally talked to a counselor. it was helpful to be able to verbalize what i was feeling without judgment from others.  bringing my thoughts to the light and facing them had been very hard, but the truth is always easier to hear than the unknown/unspoken fears and doubts.

• i received prayer ministry from an older couple that did grief counseling. we did a type of role-playing. they had a delicate handkerchief-like doll and a small box with a lid. this couple suggested that i name the baby and then speak what was on my heart. until that moment, i realized that i had not named the baby. so, i said the words to this doll as if it was my own baby that i had lost. as i held this doll, i spoke my hidden thoughts asking forgiveness, but i also spoke my deepest desires for him.  then i laid him in that small box and spoke my overflowing heart of love to him. quietness followed and a deep peace surrounded me. i was very surprised at the emotional healing i felt almost immediately.  i could take a deep breath and it no longer hurt.  the ache in my heart was no longer as deep and time did heal the pain i felt.

if you want to talk about your baby loss, i am here to listen without judging. sometimes, sharing your story can bring healing and also let you know that you are not alone in your grief.